January 2012
1 post
December 2011
2 posts
November 2011
6 posts
“I was ready to bite as Greece twisted in the wind, then I heard the rushing...”
– my dad is waiting to refinance his loan until Greece and Italy fall off the planet. He thinks he’ll get a better rate.
todays the day.
After weeks of transferring accounts and pending checks finally clearing….today I can walk into Bank of America and tell them to close all my accounts and give me all my fucking money.
they can also suck a fuck.
I miss you NBA
…today, the day after (what should have been) the season opener of the NBA I should be hungover, high-fiving and/or giving the finger to coworkers, and making plans for game 2.
But instead, Im just hungover. Just like every Wednesday.
October 2011
15 posts
mike: what are we watching?
me: Mad About You
mike: what is this?
me: a 90's sitcom. Married couple in NY with a dog, Murray.
mike: hmm. I dont remember much of the 90's, Im glad we're poor and have cable so I can catch up.
Mumford and Sons
…does not help my road rage. Especially on days Im running late.
almost killed a few humans.
“Idea. Occupy NBA camp at the Rose Garden. The NBA greed is ruining my season,...”
yep. still bitching about no cable.
me: hows your day off with no baby?
mike: Im having lunch with the guy with the sweet afro who does paintings on OPB.
me: BOB ROSS.
mike: yes. Im either going to pick out my hair into an amazing fro, or paint you a mountain scape this afternoon.
neighbor: Your daughter always looks so cute
me: its because i dont buy her ugly shit. or girl shit. and she'll never wear a 'graphic tee' that says shit like "Daddy loves me".
neighbor: having a bad day?
me: yes. mike got rid of cable. And be lucky if you get any of Stellas hand-me-downs, they'll be cute.
neighbor: i'll bring over some wine tonight.
my life.is. over.
Mike got rid of cable. Rid.
Im left with Judge Judy during the day, and Threes Company at night. (thats an exag. I actually watched Parks and Rec and the Office yesterday)
Its the fact that it was so sudden. Its just gone. I didnt even get to say goodbye to Giada, Real Housewives (all of you), Teen Mom and Jersey Shore. JERSEY SHOOORRREEE *ugly crying*
now what? read a book? to my baby? Protest...
3 tags
September 2011
7 posts
worst. possible. things to say to a shoe...
I need shoes for walking.
Im just browsing, but do you have this in a 7? and this one…and this one…
Oh, you only have a 10? I’ll try that.
Do you have anything that I can walk in, but dress up and take on a lite hike if I need to?
hi. Im here for shoes.
If shoes were a food, I would spit in yours.
me: Mike. Im at Freddys, they CHANGED THE DESCHUTES PACKAGING!
mike: what. no.
me: yes! I dont know what anything is! Have we had Inversion before?
mike: I dont know! I need to see it!
me: Fuck im gettting some.
*we've had it before. And its awesome town*
August 2011
16 posts
1 tag
3 tags
I constantly struggle with what to call Mike (the man Ive been with for 9 years, and have a 1 year old daughter with) You know, to other people.
Baby daddy?
Lover? no.
Partner? eh. this isnt a business.
Boyfriend? um, no thanks. Im not 12.
I think Ive decided on “Spousal Equivalent”
lock the bathroom door, please
I just walked in on a woman pulling up her red panties in the bathroom because she
didnt lock the fucking door
didnt respond when I knocked (i always do, seen too many old men on toilets)
Then she walks out, face the color of her underwear, and I say “Im sorry” but she says “Its ok”
No, its not fucking OK - that was YOUR turn to say YOU’RE sorry.
She wasnt even...
Bring on the quake...
for some reason (y2k? rescession? grocery outlet? the Depression?) I a mother fucking stockpile shopper.
What? Organic soy milk on sale? I must by 25.
Whaaaa? Earths Best crunchin’ grahams on sale?! How many can I fit in my cart.
No Shit? 2lb logs of Goat Cheese (yes, I capitalized it. Its king in my house) for $4.99? I can freeze Goat Cheese, yes?
I literally could feed my little...
I LOVE
*home made lasagna
*friends who bring whiskey (Bulleit) to dinner
*lesbian woes (straight ones are ok too, but the queers lead much more interesting lives)
*babies who go to bed at 8:30pm and wake up at 8:30am
*being full, and drunk and in bed by 11. Whaaaa?
last night was a good night
In an attempt to save my daughters life
…I inadvertently whipped her in the face with my napkin to swat away a bee that I was afraid would sting her. She now has a welt on her face…..from her mom.
oops?
...had a fuckin' loose chicken in my car, yall.
Took one of my sisters chickens to add to mine (cuuuz, my bitches wont lay eggs) and it got out of its cage. IN MY CAR.
I waited till it went to sleep on the edge of a bucket, and carefully planned my attack. Yoink! It didnt even see me coming! Now its currently being totally fucked with by my other bitchy hens. Eye for an eye, chicken!
you pooped in my car
9 tags
I LOVE
…my days off with Stella. But for 8 hours a day, for 2 days a week my conversations are as follows:
“where are your toes!? Toes and nose toes and nose…”
“up, down, up! down!. Now you do it!”
“What does the cow say? MOOOO yes! thats right!”
“I dont know where Elmo is, maybe he went nigh-nigh”
“You silly girl! Why is there eggs...
Sauvies Island....
IS NOT A FUCKING LOOP.
Ive been there 100 times, but never drove…..and I thought, as most people would, that there is a road that drives all the way around the island. There isnt.
we got lost
we found a cafe
fuck you cafe for charging me .25 for a MAP
2 hours later, found the peaches
*Guess Im buying a in IPHONE today*
July 2011
18 posts
If I'm going to sleep all day
maltyk:
I might as well sleep in the sun
…says the homeless person.
