man, times are a changin'
I realized, just today, that pretty soon - things are really gonna have to change with me. Im raising another human. I cant say things like “suck it” or “well fuck me running” - that pretty much goes without saying. But - I really really REALLY have to watch the small stuff, like, unfortunately, the word “hate”. I throw that fuckin word around like...
mike: hows work?
me: so shitty.
mike: Stella is army crawling around like its Vietnam and charlie is hot on her trail. Im gonna put her in camo so she has the advantage.
me: love you guys.
Stella had a STELLAR (get it) 6 month check up today! 80th percentile in height, and 95% in weight! He said feed her anything I want, which she was very keen on…. side note - our best friends are having their baby today!! shes been in labor for…..34 HOURS SO FAR. Fuck, right? I cant believe how lucky I was to only be in labor for 3 hours - really truely. I hope mom and baby are ok -...
what is this?
mike: bbq sauce
me: no. I put that in another container last night. What is THIS?
mike: bbq sauce. I put it in there. I did it last night, after I washed the dishes. What the hell are you talking about?
me: NO ITS NOT. Damnit - smell it! Its NOT BBQ sauce! I put that in...THIS container. (there are now 2 identical containers on the counter holding 6oz of red liquid)
mike: What is going on here!? I know I did it - I remember washing the pan....
me: SO DO I. Im scared for us.
Mike Text hours later: um, honey. It was enchilada sauce. And I didnt realize that till I mixed them together. Tex-mex?
me: What are you watching?
mike: a show about hunting, I think.
me: Why do they need fancy pens?
me: Silver pens. They're on the....
mike: THOSE ARE BULLETS.
There is little that is more embarassing
….than someone catching you trying to belt out a Stevie Wonder song.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If its in English, thank a soldier– um, really? Wow. This woman put this on her Ebay profile.
Hi. Im looking for a really sexy hiking boot– for reals? This was my customer today
me: Dad! How was Burning Man!?
dad: I was in a skirt by Wednesday
“I set up a Skype account. Next thing you know I’ll be on Facebook and have my own blog. I will call it….the Life of Mikey” -my sweet baby daddy has never liked the interet
Hey Fall? Ive been seeing this other guy. Summer.
Im not ready to go back to you yet. Summer was kind of a douche at first - really cold to me. But now? Hes really warm. And l like sleeping with him. I’ll come back to you, Fall. Dont worry. You’re my butt-er-face wall flower, and you’ll always take me back. Just not yet.
Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad
malty: 33 years and still dealing with each other. Thank you for have a stable relationship so I didn’t have to share holidays. Although I would be up for double gifts and the buying of my love… your parents are gonna have sex tonight.