I constantly struggle with what to call Mike (the man Ive been with for 9 years, and have a 1 year old daughter with) You know, to other people.
Partner? eh. this isnt a business.
Boyfriend? um, no thanks. Im not 12.
I think Ive decided on “Spousal Equivalent”
I just walked in on a woman pulling up her red panties in the bathroom because she
- didnt lock the fucking door
- didnt respond when I knocked (i always do, seen too many old men on toilets)
Then she walks out, face the color of her underwear, and I say “Im sorry” but she says “Its ok”
No, its not fucking OK - that was YOUR turn to say YOU’RE sorry.
She wasnt even cute.
for some reason (y2k? rescession? grocery outlet? the Depression?) I a mother fucking stockpile shopper.
What? Organic soy milk on sale? I must by 25.
Whaaaa? Earths Best crunchin’ grahams on sale?! How many can I fit in my cart.
No Shit? 2lb logs of Goat Cheese (yes, I capitalized it. Its king in my house) for $4.99? I can freeze Goat Cheese, yes?
I literally could feed my little family for 6 months (including drinks, I have 15 bottles of wine) if worse comes to worse. Not to mention the 4 chickens and 90lb chocolate lab in my backyard that would be prime eatin.
*home made lasagna
*friends who bring whiskey (Bulleit) to dinner
*lesbian woes (straight ones are ok too, but the queers lead much more interesting lives)
*babies who go to bed at 8:30pm and wake up at 8:30am
*being full, and drunk and in bed by 11. Whaaaa?
last night was a good night
…I inadvertently whipped her in the face with my napkin to swat away a bee that I was afraid would sting her. She now has a welt on her face…..from her mom.
Took one of my sisters chickens to add to mine (cuuuz, my bitches wont lay eggs) and it got out of its cage. IN MY CAR.
I waited till it went to sleep on the edge of a bucket, and carefully planned my attack. Yoink! It didnt even see me coming! Now its currently being totally fucked with by my other bitchy hens. Eye for an eye, chicken!
you pooped in my car
…my days off with Stella. But for 8 hours a day, for 2 days a week my conversations are as follows:
“where are your toes!? Toes and nose toes and nose…”
“up, down, up! down!. Now you do it!”
“What does the cow say? MOOOO yes! thats right!”
“I dont know where Elmo is, maybe he went nigh-nigh”
“You silly girl! Why is there eggs in your hair?!”
“up and down and up and down - now you do it!”
I mean really, people. So no wonder my friends are so surprised why IM the one who brings up drugs and anal at the bar. Im a fucking preschool teacher all day, I cant even say ‘damn’ these days, she repeats everything.
Show me Tumblr, where are YOUR toes!?!
IS NOT A FUCKING LOOP.
Ive been there 100 times, but never drove…..and I thought, as most people would, that there is a road that drives all the way around the island. There isnt.
we got lost
we found a cafe
fuck you cafe for charging me .25 for a MAP
2 hours later, found the peaches
*Guess Im buying a in IPHONE today*